Day 11, Add a dash of doubt

Breaking deeply ingrained tendencies is difficult work.

First, let it be known that I want to do this. I want to see this project through to the end. I want to become better and stronger and healthier.

But man have these first weeks been getting to me. I'm sure that it all has to do with the whole suddenness of the project--I didn't know about my acceptance into the PCP until maybe five days before it started and I was, and still am, excited about it all but I have not had the foresight to mentally prepare myself for all of the changes and struggles that something like the PCP can bring.

Which brings me to this last Thursday... Thursday when we all received our new diet plans and the messing around was officially done. The real stuff started and we had to get down to the business of cutting down what we eat from day to day.

Sticking to a diet this ridged, or any diet with not a whole lot of wiggle room like the grapefruit diet or the Special K diet, can get tedious. After a few days of eating two to three bowls of Special K then dropping the whole thing and falling back on everything before you started doesn't seem like a bad idea. I'm having problems finding variances in this diet with not trying to overdo anything or eat too much of what I'm not supposed to. I'm having problems finding different, unique recipes for this new diet, what has essentially become a macrobiotic diet for me (the only difference being that I'm cooking the food instead of eating it raw). Without being able to change things about within the diet plan and make new things with what I have to work with something like the PCP seems bigger than Everest and even harder to climb. Of course, that's not to say that I have it any harder than any of the other PCPers just that it's just plain hard.

Which is what made Thursday (and the following days) so interestingly difficult. Truth be told Thursday was the closest I've come to just saying, screw it, and cooking up a bit of rice with some vegan steak strips. At that point I wouldn't have felt bad about that. I don't think I could say for certain what exactly made fight through that, I like to believe it's my Rocky-like spirit and tenacity (maybe I shouldn't put it that way, makes me seem much too full of myself). Plus it would be dangerous to see this project as some scary Russian boxer guy to be beaten instead of a challenge to enjoy and live in and with.

Though, nothing is static, things are always changing, even though things are difficult now they will get easier (and harder and easier and harder...), the hard days will not be hard forever.

So how does one deal with these things when they're brand new and right there in your face? How can you be aware of all of the changes and face them and overcome them without giving up in the process? How can you be mindful of all of these difficulties when you aren't as practiced in being aware of those kinds of things? I'm not sure, but it seems that that's one of the most important parts of the PCP and one of the best things you can take away from something difficult like this.

Send some support, it's always appreciated.

(And I'm sure tomorrow's post will be much cheerier :-)